About our Adaptive Self
Healing Beyond History↓
About our adaptive self…
I have come to understand, believe and distill in my practice that most, if not all of what we refer to and label as ‘mental health’ but fail to actually realise is more what we call ‘psychological wounding’ starts during early life, usually in the family and usually when we are very young. If there was ‘trauma’ or sustained periods of dis-ease, or alternatively, even if home life was somewhat sheltered, we adapt…
As we are growing up and developing we are doing so on a number of levels, simultaneously, not only are we growing physically and behaviourally, we are growing culturally, morally, spiritually…
Our ego develops under the conditions of the environment we are in, including the norms and values of our parents, extended family, early caregivers, teachers, friends at school and during this time, if there was ‘trauma’ or sustained periods of dis-ease, even if home life was somewhat sheltered, we adapt. We pick up ways of functioning, ways of coping and ‘distortions’ in thinking.
These ways of functioning, ways of coping and distortions in thinking are all ways in which we adapt. Because as we are so young, we don’t possess the psychological reasoning, resilience and capacity to know how to do anything other than adapt. Furthermore, as we are so young we are unaware that we have adapted to fit the mould of the pathology of the family.
Maybe as children, we are at somewhat of a ‘disposition by default’, because a healthy response to trauma is mourning and what child has a capacity to mourn?
With this said, we can really start to see how this rationale for therapy practice completely takes away any stigma and judgement when it comes to explaining the role and function of the nature and development of how our psychological problems manifest as what we come to label as ‘mental health conditions’ such as Dissociative Disorders and OSDD, Addiction, ADHD and Anxiety and how this allows us to look at this in therapy together with curiosity and compassion.
There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you have a coping mechanism that isn’t working for you anymore.
“Trauma is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you” - Gabor Mate
How our adaptive self plays out:
John’s Story
Our ways of functioning, ways of coping and distortions in thinking are equally as adaptive as us, and although these ways of functioning, ways of coping and distortions in thinking helped us back then, they come to hinder us in later life…
Read John’s story †o find more about the nature and development of psychological problems and how they manifest.
John grew up in a challenging environment. His parents were often absent, and he was left to fend for himself from a young age. This led to John developing certain ‘ways of coping’ to protect himself from the harsh realities of his world.
One of these ‘ways of coping’ was denial. John often found himself ignoring or refusing to acknowledge the difficult situations he was in. This helped him to avoid feelings of pain or discomfort. However, over time, this denial prevented him from dealing with the issues at hand, leading to a buildup of unresolved emotions.
Another way John coped was through projection. He would often attribute his own feelings of anger or sadness to others, blaming them for his emotional state. This allowed him to avoid taking responsibility for his feelings, but it also created a barrier between him and the people around him.
As John grew older, these ‘ways of coping’ became deeply ingrained in his personality. They were part of his ‘adaptive self’, a version of himself that adapted to survive in his challenging environment. However, these ‘ways of coping’ also led to the development of psychological problems. John struggled with relationships, had difficulty expressing his emotions, and often felt isolated and misunderstood.
These issues can be traced back to John’s early experiences and the ways of coping he developed. Can we also see how John’s ‘ways of coping’ have a dual nature; Although denying how difficult the situations he was in allowed him to avoid the feelings of pain and discomfort - Denial also prevented him from dealing with the issues at hand which lead to a buildup of unresolved emotions. By understanding this in therapy. John can address his denial, see the extent of how the denial has been holding him back, experience the underlying emotions and resolve this part of his history.
There is nothing wrong with you. You have patterns to unlearn, new behaviours to embody and wounds to heal. But there is nothing wrong with the core of you and who you are. You are unlearning generations of harm and remembering love. It takes time... - Yolo Akili
Freud thought it was universal that people we’re stuck in the past and couldn’t get over what happened to them in their family.
Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor…
Imagine you’re on a ship sailing through the ocean. This ship, let’s call it the ‘S.S. Self’, represents your ‘adaptive self’. It’s the part of you that adjusts and changes based on the conditions around you, just like a ship adjusts its course based on the weather and sea conditions.
Now, the ocean represents life’s challenges and experiences. Sometimes, the ocean is calm and peaceful, and other times, it’s stormy and rough. The ‘S.S. Self’ has to navigate through all these conditions.
The ship’s captain, which represents your conscious mind, makes decisions based on what they can see. However, there’s a lot happening beneath the surface of the water that the captain can’t see. This is similar to our subconscious mind, which holds feelings and memories that we’re not always aware of.
Sometimes, the ship encounters rough seas, which could represent stressful situations or traumatic experiences. The captain responds by using different strategies to keep the ship safe and on course. These strategies are what we refer to as ‘ways of coping’.
For example, the captain might decide to steer the ship away from the storm (avoidance), or they might decide to face the storm head-on, believing that the ship is strong enough to withstand it (confrontation). These decisions aren’t always perfect, and sometimes they can lead to problems down the line.
In the context of our mental health, these ‘ways of coping’ might manifest as avoiding painful memories, suppressing our feelings, or projecting our feelings onto others. While these strategies might help us in the short term, they can lead to psychological problems if overused or used inappropriately.
Understanding this process is the first step towards better mental health. By recognizing our ‘ways of coping’, we can start to understand why we react the way we do and begin to develop healthier strategies. Just like a good captain learns from their experiences and becomes better at navigating the seas, we too can learn from our experiences and become better at navigating our lives.
Remember, it’s okay to seek help, just like a captain might call for assistance when the seas get too rough. A Therapist is like the coastguard, ready to help guide you through the stormy seas. You’re not alone on this journey, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.
Find Some Answer's
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The Adapted Child theory is a concept from Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological theory developed by Eric Berne. TA explains how we interact with others based on three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. Here’s what you need to know:
Parent Ego State:
This ego state contains memories from early years, including societal expectations and obligations.
It’s divided into the Critical Parent (values, right/wrong) and the Nurturing Parent (affirming, pleasant qualities).
Both aspects can be positive or negative, affecting decision-making and emotional well-being.
Adult Ego State:
Not related to age, it represents rational, logical thinking.
The Adult ego state helps us make informed choices and solve problems.
Child Ego State:
The Child ego state has two aspects:
Natural (Free) Child: Spontaneous, intuitive, creative, pleasure-seeking.
Adapted Child: Learns to change feelings and behavior in response to the environment.
The Adapted Child may experience guilt, fear, depression, anxiety, envy, and pride.
Understanding these ego states gives us the power to choose how we respond in different situations.
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Certainly! In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), the Wounded Child and the Adaptive Child are distinct parts of the self. Let’s explore their differences:
Wounded Child:
The Wounded Child refers to the vulnerable part of your personality that carries pain and unmet needs from your early years.
It represents the emotional wounds and trauma you experienced during childhood.
These wounds may stem from neglect, abuse, or other adverse experiences.
The Wounded Child often operates from a place of hurt, fear, and unresolved emotions.
Adaptive Child:
The Adaptive Child is another part of your personality that formed in response to early life experiences, particularly within your family of origin.
It developed survival strategies to cope with difficult or painful situations during childhood.
These strategies might have been necessary and effective at the time, helping you navigate a challenging environment.
However, as an adult, these same strategies can become maladaptive, creating barriers to intimacy and connection in your relationships.
For example, if you grew up in a home where expressing emotions was unsafe, your Adaptive Child might have learned to suppress feelings and avoid vulnerability. While this helped you cope as a child, it could hinder authentic connections as an adult.
The Wounded Child carries emotional wounds, while the Adaptive Child developed protective strategies. Relational Life Therapy aims to transform these parts by cultivating the Wise Adult, a self-aware and conscious aspect of your personality.
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Healing your adaptive child involves understanding and addressing the ways you adapted as a child to cope with your environment. Here are some steps to consider:
Acknowledge Your Adaptive Patterns: Recognise the ways you adapted to your family dynamics. Whether it was through defiance or clinging behaviours, understanding these patterns is essential.
Replace Constricting Adaptation: Instead of curbing your inner child, focus on recovering it. Replace self-limiting adaptations with healthier ways of relating to others.
Embrace Your Wise Adult: Your “wise adult” can mitigate the negative effects of your adaptive child. This involves making conscious choices that align with your true self rather than reactive adaptations.
Learn Basic Skills: Re-parent your adaptive child by learning skills you may have missed as a child:
Empathy and Acceptance: Show compassion to your wounded inner child.
Self-Care and Self-Trust: Prioritise your well-being.
Nurturing: Provide emotional and physical care for yourself.
Healthy Boundaries: Set boundaries to protect yourself.
Respond Rather Than React: When triggered, respond thoughtfully instead of impulsively.
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Core wounds are deep psychological wounds that develop as a result of past experiences, particularly during early childhood. By the age of seven, individuals typically have already formed their primary core wounds. These wounds shape our self-beliefs, influencing how we relate to others and our behaviours. Later traumatic experiences can also cause psychological injuries, but core wounds tend to be more enduring and challenging to heal. Some common examples of core wounds include feeling unlovable, inadequate, stupid, dirty, unwanted, or ugly. Childhood trauma disrupts the fundamental sense of safety and security, leading to emotional wounds that persist into adulthood.
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When children experience trauma, their responses can vary, but here are two primary adaptive responses:
Hyperarousal: Some children become hyperaroused during trauma, feeling intense fear, anxiety, and heightened alertness. Their bodies and minds are on high alert, ready to respond to any perceived threat.
Dissociation: Others may dissociate, disconnecting from the traumatic experience. They might feel numb, detached, or as if they’re watching the events from a distance. Dissociation serves as a coping mechanism to protect them from overwhelming emotions.
Each child’s reaction is unique, and their coping strategies may evolve over time. Providing emotional support and seeking professional help when needed can make a significant difference in their healing process.
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An Adapted Child develops when a person learns to change their feelings and behaviour in response to the world around them. Some common characteristics of the Adapted Child include feelings of guilt, fear, depression, anxiety, envy, and pride.
This aspect of our psyche often emerges from childhood experiences and influences how we interact with others and navigate relationships. It’s essential to recognise and understand these patterns to achieve true intimacy and personal growth.
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The term “adaptive child” can be understood in different contexts. Let me provide you with a couple of interpretations:
Psychological Context:
In therapy literature, the “adaptive child” refers to the part of us that learned to change our feelings and behavior in response to the world around us. It encompasses feelings of guilt, fear, depression, anxiety, envy, and pride that we developed as we adapted to our upbringing.
To achieve true intimacy, it’s essential to replace the self-limiting ways we adapted as children with less constricting forms of adaptation. Our “wise adult” can help mitigate the negative consequences of our adaptive child’s behaviour.
Child Development Context:
In child temperament theory, “adaptability” is one of ten innate traits that make each child unique. It refers to how easily or quickly a child adjusts to changes in their environment after their initial response has occurred. Some children are very flexible and can smoothly adapt to changes in schedule or routine.
That these interpretations vary based on the context, so feel free to explore further or ask for clarification!
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Moving from the child ego state to the adult ego state involves self-awareness and intentional steps. Let’s explore this process:
Understand Ego States:
Parent Ego State: Influenced by childhood messages and rules, it reflects our internalised “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.” We may act like our parents or authority figures in this state.
Child Ego State: Holds emotions, feelings, and impulses. It can be the free child (spontaneous) or the adapted child (conforming to external expectations).
Adult Ego State: Rational, objective, and focused on the present moment.
Recognise Your Ego State:
Pay attention during conversations or interactions. Signs include:
Parent Ego State:
Critical language (“should,” “must”).
Authoritative tone.
Imposing rules.
Nurturing behavior.
Child Ego State:
Emotional reactions.
Vulnerability.
Spontaneity or conformity.
Adult Ego State:
Objective thinking.
Present-focused.
Self-Awareness and Anchoring:
Be aware of your ego state in the moment.
Use anchoring processes (e.g., NLP techniques) to shift states.
Return to the adult ego state using timelines.
Nurture Your Inner Child:
Recognise how your child ego state influences your adult life.
Take proactive steps to nurture it.
Achieve emotional healing and personal growth.